You'd rather have what?

"Wait why do you need your own cup?"

I realized this was the first time I was going to have to explain my allergies to a guy I didn't know. And I had absolutely no idea what to say.

"I... just can't share anything with anyone right now!"
"Why?"
"I'm...sick. I have mono."

The words came out before I even realized their implication. Saying "I have mono" is NOT something you want to tell a cute guy at a party.

"Wait... do you really?"
"Um no just kidding. I actually... I actually just have a peanut allergy so I can't really share stuff with people. I think I'd rather have mono though.."

I waited for him to react. To walk away or something. Only he didn't.

"Oh. Haha nah that's way better than mono. Trust me you don't wanna have mono."

After that night, I wondered why my allergies seemed like such a big deal, and why I hated telling people so much. I realized that it was the worst kind of attention you could possibly get. A hot spotlight of vulnerability. Acknowledging my allergies made me feel weak and awkward, both traits that normally don't apply to me.

Vulnerability is a funny thing. It consumes you. It eats away at you until your self-esteem is centered around that one quality that makes you feel like you're different. After a while there's no "putting it into perspective" because every time you have to refuse a piece of birthday cake or order out at a restaurant or carry Epi-Pens, it's this constant, gnawing reminder that you're inadequate.

Now, all this might seem incredibly dramatic. And it is. But it took me a while to realize that. Having allergies was only a bad thing because I convinced myself it was a big deal. Cute Guy certainly didn't seem to think it mattered. I think I was so wrapped up in the fact that having allergies set me apart from my peers that I forgot to look at the big picture. That in the end, it just means you can't eat some stuff. That it doesn't define you at all.

The further I am into this study, the more removed I feel from my allergies. It has less and less of a looming presence in my life. It's easier to look my allergies for what they really are when they're not a constant source of anxiety. Just like with anything, food allergies are only a big deal when you act like they are. And when you think about it, seriously, having mono would be a lot worse.