Wishful Thinking

I supposed it never really bothered me that I couldn’t eat certain things. I always assumed it would be something I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I figured I might as well get used to it.

So I had a rather resigned attitude towards the Halloween candy, the granola bars, the unmarked deserts sitting beneath glass windows at cafes. My approach towards food I couldn’t eat was never longing, never bitter, just accepting.

When friends would say “if you can ever eat peanuts, you should definitely try…” I would nod politely, and act as if it were a helpful suggestion, but I never let myself actually think about the possibility of such a thing. It seemed futile, naive, absurd even.

But ever since I’ve discovered that my condition is not permanent, just an ephemeral burden I won’t have to put up with for much longer, I look at food in an entirely different way. 

For one, I want things that I can’t have much more than I used to. I don’t have to accept the fact that I’ll never be able to eat those cookies from Safeway everyone raves about as long as I live. So I just let myself think about just how good they’ll taste, exactly what the texture will be like, knowing that for once the prospect of eating them is realistic, viable, almost tangible.

Then there’s also this sense of triumph. This feeling that for once, it doesn’t even matter if I can’t eat certain things because soon enough I’ll be able to eat anything and everything. In a weird way I feel like I’ve won.

In just 15 days, when I have my third Xolair shot and can actually start eating increasing amounts of peanut flour, I will be able to eat a whole world of food that is currently off-limits. Personally, I’m most excited not for food that actually contains peanuts, but for food that may contain peanuts (you’d be surprised at just how many companies are careless when it comes to cross contamination and segregation of allergens).

Recently I've been playing the What-Will-I-Be-Able-To-Eat game with friends whenever we talk about the study. This list, we’ve realized, is actually quite long.

It seems I’m so close I can taste it. All of it.